sea

I’ve lost my ability of keeping silence
Like a stormy sea which have lost its calmness
When would I be myself again?

express

It is waste of the time,
But it is what I feel, truly in this moment, by my whole … I don’t know…. What I have……

I’m always afraid of wasting my time the way people do… it’s quite a week that I have not played computer games, since I have met some awful people who are addicted to it, just like me before last week… but this is a different case…even if it’s waste of the time, I would not feel free if I avoid expressing my feelings… whatever they are… I just might be sorry if expressing them hurt someone or me.
In general, there are two kinds of wasting time: when the object of wasting is outside my mind, and when it’s inside my mind… you may prevent the outside from disturbing your mind and life and time, but you can hardly do anything with your mind!

There are some holes, black holes, inside mind… they may be caused by a kind of fear, question, memory, or secret… they got strong gravity… every activity in mind would end in one of them… they absorb thoughts, steal them, eat them, or force them to dance around them… once they created, they won’t calm down during lifetime…
they just overcome each other…
black holes…
in mind...
mine...

1+1

I was thinking about changing my name and surname that suddenly I found out that since I’m a woman, I’m the end of myself…. Nobody would inherit my name…. I’m a point, not a line…. Just a point in the life of an old world…
And it got so easier to delete myself … or to do whatever I like…
It caused the desires of life and death both get stronger…. But any way more disappointed …
What a life!




Why should I see all the kinds of abusive behaviors of people? My eyes get dirty… My soul feels if she has eaten a nauseating food…
How can I tolerate it? I wish I could wash it away… but it’s not so easy… first I should find a structure to justify the situation… then as a false structure I can throw it away… but without finding out the reasons, without understanding I can’t release…

happy

They told me: “He is silly again and we don’t know why… May be happiness makes him so…”
And I was silly too…. Where it means happy…. We were there together to laugh at every silly thing and we seemed silly to others…
I was a frind of their childhood memories…. When they were real kids… now they have grown up… They are young men…. But they still seem kids to me, the way the children always seem kids to their mothers…

carrying

These days I feel like a suicide bomber in an empty world,
who is carrying something heavy and ready to explode: My Heart

fitting

I watch my face in the glasses of the city beside the face of the people around me
And I can see how tired is my face
And I ask myself if I really live a sadder life...but of course not.....
The hard practice in my life that makes me really tired is
Trying to fit my life to my desires, ideals, rules….
And of course every body tries too….
But the difference is in what we try for….

Katherine Mansfield

Now it is Loneliness who comes at night
Instead of Sleep, to sit beside my bed.
Like a tired child I lie and wait her tread,
I watch her softly blowing out the light.
Motionless sitting, neither left or right
She turns, and weary, weary droops her head.
She, too, is old; she, too, has fought the fight.
So, with the laurel she is garlanded.
Through the sad dark the slowly ebbing tide
Breaks on a barren shore, unsatisfied.
A strange wind flows... then silence. I am fain
To turn to Loneliness,to take her hand,
Cling to her, waiting,till the barren land
Fills with the dreadful monotone of rain.

Asana.

Remember that the asana practice is a personal tool to help you to know yourself. Along the way, you will improve your health and build a wonderful relationship with your body -- the ultimate entertainment center.

Asana: Savasana

believing

“love is a miracle”,
but “the sense of closure” would not expire.

Life of some people is like a flat board: You can put every thing in it and take it away at every time. There could be no evidence that if it is a correct positioning or not….
Even there is no right positioning…. You can begin from a point and make any picture that you want……….(if you just know the borders)

But for some people it is a little more complicated…..it’s a puzzle…..so it has been somehow designed before every event. It has a structure… what ever it gets more similar to a complicated puzzle it gets more vague for any consideration…..cause in a case, you see something is fitting to some where, but you have not any knowledge about the whole picture to know if it is exactly the right place or not. Since it fits, the mind would prefer to think that it is the right piece for the right place but with a usual doubt in it. So you would think that you are making something…that it is making a process…you would be hopeful where you may completely wrong…….
After a few such mistakes you would learn that you should not be sure any more…. And there the real problem of these lives would happen: they always think about the degree of uncertainty of their choices…..and it may come that they could not make any choice any more…. They stop accepting the pieces,
accepting fitness,
and believing….

worded

Some times I don’t write because I can’t, but some times because I don’t want my thoughts or feelings to be written, to be worded, to be phrazed, to be memorable….
Last days I was not sure I could write if I wanted to, …but today I’m sure I can write, and I’m sure I don’t want to.
I don’t need any advice or sympathy, so I’m not going to write any story here at all…. I have many stories to be written…..
But
Writing is always a therapeutic way to overcome feelings…. To see them in the contrast of created sentences, used words, their effectiveness, logic power, or strength.
And what is the Logic Power of feelings seen in the sentences? Confusing!!! Right??? That’s a new issue…… I will discuss later….

One may get closer to my feelings with these words:
Anger, pride, closure, vanity, conscious, confidence, love

There was a game we used to play sometimes inspired from making a sentence with a word that was our homework in the school …. Making proses with some words ….

play

patient

I feel weak!
even my hand writing has been changed, and I can't stand watching it on the paper...and that's a disaster...............lines could not be in the shape of my feelings....

sex, lies, & video tapes

Object of your obsession is invariably something negative which you have no control over.

Being happy isn’t all that great. The last time I was really happy I got so fat.

Right now I have one key. Everything I own is in the car. If I get an apartment, that’s two keys. If I got a job, I might have to open and close. That’s more keys. You know, buy some stuff then I’m afraid it’ll get ripped of it. Then I get more keys. You know I just like having one key. It’s clean.

I was a miserable failure in therapy. It was silly for me. So I formed my own theory that you should never take advice from someone who doesn’t know you intimately.

-You always underestimate me.
- I wonder why

I didn’t think it would have veins, ridges or any thing. I just thought it would be smooth. Like a test tube. The organ itself seemed like a separate thing and a separate entity to me.

-I don’t want to talk about it.
-Ok. Then don’t.

-I could have easily assumed that you didn’t want to make love to me because you were having an affair.
-I’m not.
-well, I’m not either.
-then why don’t I believe you?

I just sit around and start inventing these intricate scenarious and then I don’t want to have wasted my time, so I want to believe them.

-Things are getting complicated.
-no, they’re getting really simple.

My life is shit. It’s just shit. Nothing is what I thought it was.

I hate it when I have feelings that she has. It bothers me when I think about men, because I know that’s the way she thinks.

I was a pathological liar. Or I am, I should say. Lying is like alcoholism. You’re continually recovering.

I used to express my feelings nonverbally and often scared people who were close to me.

Am I supposed to recount all the points in my life leading up to this moment and then hope that it’s coherent ... that it makes some sort of sense to you? It doesn’t make any sense to me.

You are wearing blue, I’m wearing blue. Is this some sort of weird coincidence? I don’t think so. I think it’s something more.

-I think it’s gonna rain.
-It is raining.
-yeah

Ses

Just a few minutes after entering to a chat room I did believe that there is nothing remained for people to talk about it except their need for any kind of sex.
Body is an easy stuff to share. But .....................................................
S
O
U
L
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